Because let’s face it, all but the most pathetic of partners can throw down $3.99 for one of those drugstore, foil-wrapped roses you toss in your basket as you pay for toothpaste and toe-nail clippers.  And all but the most selfish of sweethearts can even spring for a Valentine’s Day dinner date.

But in order to enjoy a truly happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship, it’s how we treat our partners all the other days that really matters.  It’s how we show up, support, and make sacrifices day in and day out that makes him or her want to be with us…not because they want someone to share their space and time with, but because we make their life easier, more joyful, more peaceful, and more meaningful.

So how do we do that?  Obviously there are many ways.  But the following suggestions are a good place to start:

Learn to do the little things
Sure, grand gestures are great.  But what makes your partner feel even more loved is when you make the effort to learn about the little things you can do to make their days smoother and less stressful.  So how do you learn?  You ask!

Imagine how your partner will feel when you ask, “What could I do during a typical day that would make your life easier?”  The beauty is it’s often such a small thing that you won’t even mind doing it.  Maybe it’s unloading the dishwasher, or watching the baby for 30 minutes when he gets home from work so he can unwind.  Or maybe it’s taking out the trash each week without being asked.  The point is that doing this little thing will be repeatedly linked to loving feelings for you!

Express your affection…and keep the compliments coming
I have seen so many couples struggle through the cycle of anger and resentment all because one of them doesn’t verbalize their feelings for the other.  For example, I know an older couple who have been married for 40 years; during this time, they have remained faithful and committed, and they do truly love one another.  However, they have struggled with some unnecessary underlying stress, stemming from the fact that the man almost never compliments the woman or tells her he loves her!  In turn, she builds resentment and acts out towards him.  When you ask him why he holds back, his answer is a common one: “She knows I love her, or I wouldn’t be with her.”  My response is, “THEN TELL HER!”  Because when he does, he finds he’s got a much more loving lady on his hands.

The moral of this message is that you can’t assume your mate feels loved…you need to say it, and do so regularly.  Of course, you want to say it sincerely.  So when you find yourself feeling it, look at him or her and tell them: “You look beautiful/handsome,” “I feel lucky to have you,” “You make me happy, “ or whatever other sweet sentiment pops into your mind.

Acknowledge and appreciate your partner’s contributions
Speaking of saying things out loud, something that most men and women rarely do is thank their partners for the ways they contribute to the relationship every day.  Again, when he or she does something extra, we thank them.  Meanwhile, we take for granted all the effort they put forth on a daily basis; or even if we mentally remember it, we don’t take the time to verbalize our appreciation!

One of the most effective things you can do to strengthen your bond is to regularly acknowledge the input of your partner.  Saying things like, “I really appreciate how hard you work every day to support our family,” or, “I am incredibly thankful for how hard you work to keep our house clean and take care of our kids” is a powerful tool for transforming a rocky relationship into a heavenly and harmonious connection.

Say you’re sorry
It’s not whether you screw up sometimes…you will; that’s a given.  It’s whether you can say you’re sorry when you’re wrong.  However—unless your guy or girl is simply self-involved—many times the reason someone doesn’t offer up an apology is because they fear being berated by their partner when they admit guilt.  So what’s the solution?  The sorry thing should be a two-way apology agreement: Both partners must agree, first, that when one is wrong, he or she will accept blame and offer a verbal apology (and just being nice again out of nowhere isn’t sufficient).  Secondly, they must agree that when one apologizes, the other won’t make him or her suffer harrowing humiliation: Unless it was a major offense, the one who was wronged will simply say, “Thank you for apologizing; it means a lot to me.”

Be specific and selfless with sweet gestures
It’s not enough to do something nice for your partner; you need to do something that is special to them specifically.  Often, partners will point to things they’ve done “for” their significant others that are nice…but not at all what the people would have picked.  For example, when you offer to take your girl out, ask what she wants to do…and embrace it.  (Even if this means Tyler Perry instead of Terminator.)  Same goes for women.  In other words, surprising him with an outfit for you is not exactly what he has in mind…no matter how hot you look in it.

The final word

The long and short is that the more you can keep these suggestions in mind, the better.  However, this doesn’t mean expecting perfection from yourself or your partner; and it does mean recognizing your partner’s efforts at making progress.  Because everyone is going to get selfish sometimes, and that’s just part of being a human work in progress.  (In all honesty, if you polled my past loves, you’d find I stray from my own suggestions more often than I’d like to admit…but I digress.)

Finally—and I saved this for last, because it shouldn’t be your primary purpose—there is an upside for you in treating your mate right: In almost all instances, you’ll rarely have to ask for kindness in return…the more you give, the more your guy or girl will want to give it back, and then some!

– Nicholle Williams

“How’d it go?” I ask expectantly.

“I don’t know,” she hesitates. “He was okay. Actually, he was kind of cute, and even sorta funny.”

“So what was the problem?” I ask, confused.

“Well,” she sighs, “I just can’t get over that fact that his name is Glen.”

And so it goes. I’m not kidding: I hear complaints of shoe color, menacing mustaches, unkempt eyebrows, trousers too tight, drawers too droopy, too trendy, too traditional, bad breath, too much hair, too little hair, and all sorts of relatively minor matters…and it’s not just from the women. Men make mountains out of molehills too: She looked too professional, used too much hairspray, wore too much makeup, sported a short skirt, carried a couple extra pounds, and the list goes on.

And when it comes to behaviors, the instantaneous eliminations continue. People are seemingly willing to write off others for a whole host of actions that are not exactly atrocious.

Why are we first-date faultfinders?

There are a few reasons why we are often too quick to dismiss. The first of these is that this critical inner voice represents the part of our consciousness that is scared, the part that is immediately looking for the negative as a way to protect ourselves from getting emotionally involved…or from getting our hopes up, only to have them dashed once again.

There is also the fact that we all have a mental picture of what our Mr. or Ms. Right looks like. So every time we meet a contender, we compare them, trait for trait, to this ideal; anyone who doesn’t immediately appear a match may be instantaneously written off as wrong. These reasons cause us to tell ourselves things like, “I’ve waited this long for the right man; I’m not taking anything less than perfection,” or, “I’ve had so many bad experiences with women—I’m taking any flaw as reason enough to run!”

Finally, there is the superficial worry of what others will think. Sure, it doesn’t sound very Christian to consider whether your friends will find your new girl fine, but as I always say, we’re all human, and we’re all a work in progress. The first step towards eliminating these artificial apprehensions is to be honest with ourselves about their existence. Once we recognize we are taking these concerns into consideration, we can then examine our true feelings for the man or woman in question.

So should you settle?

Since I always stress that we are all too special to settle for someone who isn’t right, you might be wondering if I am now saying that we should accept someone with whom we are not wholeheartedly happy.

Well, I’m not! What I am talking about here is twofold, and neither fold speaks of staying long-term with someone that’s a settle. Instead, I am, first, advising that we determine which characteristics should be immediate reasons to run; and on the others, that we cut people a little initial slack, getting to know them a bit before determining disinterest. And, secondly, I’m suggesting that we expand our vision of what our perfect picture looks like, that we open our minds to the possibility that our perfect partner might not present in the package we had previously imagined…but that they might be perfect for us nonetheless.

A dealbreaker or second date?

Of course the choice is personal, as we all have certain things we consider dealbreakers; however, if your list is nit-picky and never-ending or includes the following, you might give a second thought to giving him or her a second chance.

Dig deeper if your complaint is…

A physical characteristic
Note that I say “characteristic,” not overall appearance. As I have said before (see “Think You’re ‘Too Christian’ to Care about Chemistry? Think Again,” August 2008), physical attraction is part of the package, for we can’t fully fall for someone with whom there is no chemical connection. So if you feel absolutely no physical pull, better to nix another date. However, if you find yourself thinking, “He could be cute, if not for the bad hair, broken-out skin, or bright pink jacket,” don’t be so quick to dismiss. Things like this are easily changed…if you don’t forget about them entirely by the end of a spectacular second date!

Age
An age gap so significant that those involved are at distinctly different stages of life is certainly a reason to write off a relationship. However, in some cases, a person’s age doesn’t immediately meet our preconceived notion of whom we thought we’d end up with…but when everything else is really right, sometimes it just doesn’t matter.

An excellent example of this involves a woman I know who is now 40. At 37, she was single and watching her window for children continue to close. One evening, she was introduced to a friend of a friend, whom we’ll call Edward. Edward was instantly smitten with her—and while she tried to fight it, the feeling was mutual. Why did she fight her feelings? Well, Edward was 27, and in her opinion, too young to be ready for kids and commitment. For months they dated and grew closer, all while she protested that they were “just having fun”; although Edward explained he had always been an old soul, she simply wouldn’t open her mind to the possibility that her special someone could be 10 years her junior.

Eventually this woman decided she needed to break things off—in order to free herself up to find someone really “right” for her. Luckily, however, Edward was persistent; he saw what she wouldn’t: He was right for her! He just wasn’t the partner she had imagined. Had this woman not altered her vision of her soul mate, she wouldn’t now be happily married and trying to conceive a child!

Occupation
Another of these factors we feel the need to pre-identify is the occupation or income level of our potential partner. Maybe not down to the exact job, but many of us limit ourselves, again, with ultra-specific ideals…if a date doesn’t match our mind’s image, we immediately count them out without giving them a chance. My advice is don’t. A person’s profession—or how much they make—is only one factor, and it certainly doesn’t define them. If you find someone you really love, someone who treats you right and shares your values, you’d be surprised how you are suddenly satisfied with less material matters.

Location
Most of us have heard someone described as “geographically undesirable,” in other words, a person who lives far from us. And while this does pose some inconvenience during the dating stage, I think you are limiting yourself if you find this cause to immediately count them out. Okay, so it might mean you end up living in a city that isn’t your hometown—or even your first choice—but again, when you are in a solid relationship with your soul mate, you’ll find you can build a beautiful life more places than you might have imagined.

Past
We all have a past, previous relationships, and our share of personal problems. Therefore, my opinion is that the fewer blanket restrictions you put on who you will date, the greater your chances for happiness. To say, carte blanche, that you will not date someone who is divorced, has children, or who has had to overcome a personal issue, is discounting a whole lot of compatible Christians.

On the other hand, I’m obviously not saying that dating, say, a single dad or recently divorced woman is for everyone, in every instance. And most importantly, I’m not advising that you overlook the more serious red flags (discussed below); instead, what I am saying is that you should analyze each potential partner individually and make a decision on a case-by-case basis. And just like you would want others to do for you, keep a compassionate, nonjudgmental attitude toward each and every date.

The flip side: red flags

While I have been explaining the importance of keeping an open mind, the other side of the coin is that there are signs that should be cause for cutting further contact…or at least considering it seriously. I refer to these as red flags, and I suggest you familiarize yourself with these more serious signals, to protect your mental health, future happiness, and even your physical safety. (See “Mr. Perfect Did What? Ignore These Red Flags at Your Own Risk,” November 2007 and “MS. Perfect Did What? Men: Ignore These Red Flags at Your Own Risk,” December 2007.)

In short, the essence of this message is that we should all take a long look at whether we are discounting dates for much-too-minor reasons, traits that may be overlooked once we know the person…or that may even become endearing! Remember, people are notoriously nervous on first dates. So what you see may not be exactly what you’ll get—and I mean that in the most wonderful of ways.

Even more importantly, I’m recommending that you remain flexible about what your perfect partner may look like. While I’m certainly not urging you to accept things that are extremely unappealing or push yourself to settle for someone whom you just don’t feel it for, I am advising that if you don’t love what you see, but notice some sense of interest, give it another shot…you might just be surprised!

– Nicholle Williams

That being said, there’s one area that can’t change too drastically: When it comes to having children, we continue to be limited by our biological clocks. Although there are fertility treatments helping women have kids later in life, these carry with them risks, religious considerations, and prohibitive expense, which brings us back to the reality…we’ve got a certain window in which to procreate. And as the saying goes, “It takes two to tango.”

Which brings us to another reality: According the US Census Bureau’s 2006 American Community Survey, 45 percent of black women in America have never been married. And, if you are one of this astoundingly large group—and one of the millions of women who want to experience motherhood and share your love and faith with a family—as your age creeps up, fear, disappointment, and even panic start to set in.

Now, let me clarify that I’m not citing this statistic to make you stressed or sad…and certainly not to make you settle. In fact, quite the opposite. I’m citing this to make you aware of the reality and give you hope that you can still achieve your dream of having children without compromising your values, taking advantage of or misleading a potential partner, or settling for someone unsuited, then ending up as another statistic: divorced.

Most importantly, I’m addressing this topic, because, as a woman of somewhat-rapidly diminishing childbearing years, I understand the struggle—and I understand the dilemma of wanting a child, but not being able to will, pray, or push a mate into your life…and as a result, being faced with a not-so-attractive array of options.

Single and wanting a child: An honest assessment of your options

As a single woman who’s watching her thirties disappear in the rearview mirror, you have a finite number of choices if you desire a family. Unfortunately, most come with a price unwilling to be paid by Believers:

Hope and pray for a partner
While we all know the strength of prayer, we have to look at reality: You can’t actually will a man into existence. Patience and faith will alleviate a lot of mental struggle, as will enjoying your life where it’s at present moment. But obsessively focusing on finding a father right now is not going to get you a groom.

Settle for the unsuitable
Unfortunately, this is where women often go when they want to start a family and feel that time is running out. Sometimes it’s manipulatively conscious, while often we cunningly convince ourselves that a man who we simply don’t love or mesh with on important issues is the best we can find in the time we’ve got available. Either way, divorce, drama, and deceit are often the result…not exactly a solid, loving, honest, or Christian atmosphere into which a child should be born.

Push and pressure your current relationship to the next level
Yet another common (conscious or unconscious) choice—we feel rushed to have a family before it’s too late, so we apply the pressure to whatever relationship we are currently in…hoping to speed ahead to the next step, regardless of whether the man or the relationship itself is ready. The result is either built up resentment or an outright pushing away of what could have been a lifelong love.

Single sex for procreation
I doubt I have to say too much on this one, but setting out to “find a father” then promiscuously and purposefully trying to become impregnated is not exactly the Christian thing to do. More importantly, you cannot use someone for their procreative powers and then completely disentangle and go your separate ways. When someone fathers your child, you are bonded for life. Furthermore, men, like us, have feelings and emotions, and most don’t want to wander off into the night not knowing their offspring. When you decide to become pregnant, you are consciously bringing a life into this world, and you are therefore responsible for it, which includes being responsible for facilitating a relationship with his or her father. In other words—even aside from all judgments about purity, sin, and fornication—going about having a child in this manner is treating it with much less respect and responsibility than it deserves.

Abandon your maternal desires
For some women, it is an option to simply practice acceptance—acceptance that maybe it is not God’s will that they become mothers; and for these women, fulfillment can be found through extended family, nieces and nephews, and providing assistance and support to charities or churches with children in need. For others, however, this feels inconceivable. Some women truly feel that they were born to care for children of their own, which brings me to the following…

Adoption as a realistic alternative

As Christians, we are taught that children should be brought into a family consisting of a man and woman who have taken the vows of matrimony. And while I agree with this in theory, it is not always possible. As I mentioned initially, we do not have the power to produce our Mr. Right—smack dab in the middle of our childbearing years. In fact, I know several women who have met their soul mates after the age of 50, and are now living in love and in God. Especially once we contemplate the above options, we might be willing to open our minds a bit and consider a spiritually superior option as a realistic alternative.

The upside of adoption

Adoption can be a loving, giving, compassionate, and completely fulfilling choice for a single woman who desires a family yet is unwilling to settle or sacrifice her beliefs. And its benefits can lead to fulfillment for mother and child as well as a peaceful sense of patience where romance is concerned:

The ultimate blessing for a child
The online blog All John’s Children cites a statistic from USAID.gov stating that by the year 2010, the number of orphans worldwide is projected to reach 44 million! Giving a child a safe, loving home and providing him or her with a life that would have otherwise been impossible is one of the greatest gifts a person can give. While this may not have been your immediate picture of a “traditional Christian home,” I simply can’t comprehend any argument that giving hope and happiness to a forgotten child does not epitomize a Believer.

The blessing of motherhood
In adoption, the child isn’t the only one who wins. Ask any mother of an adopted child if they feel fulfilled in raising the child as their own, and you will get an overwhelming response of emotion and attachment equal to that of biological parents. In fact, adoptive parents often report an even more significant effect on their lives and faith, as they feel a sense of having made a difference on a grander scale.

No need to settle, pressure, or play games
When you decide to adopt a child, you are relieving the pressure of procreating before your biological clock stops ticking. Because you are taking control of your destiny in becoming a parent, you no longer need to consider settling for a man who isn’t right or pressuring a partner to commit prematurely.

Leave love to when it’s really right
You also open yourself up to be truly patient in waiting for The One. There is no longer a rush or feeling of anxiety attached to meeting your mate. Therefore, you can settle contentedly into your belief that in God’s time romance will become a reality.

Addressing the single parent skepticism

I know that, especially in a Christian blog, it’s a bit out of the ordinary to actually suggest single parenthood. However, there are two enormous differences between adoption and what we usually think of as a single-parent household: First of all, much of the downside of a single-parent home comes from the atmosphere of chaos and conflict that arises as a result of two people who are not committed or well suited bringing a child into the world. On the contrary, the atmosphere surrounding a single parent who has adopted out of love and independence is vastly different.

Which brings me to the second dissimilarity, and this is key: As an adoptive parent, you are not choosing to bring this child into the world. Someone else has already made that choice; you are now stepping in to make the most of the situation. So while one parent might not be optimal, it’s hard to deny that the love of one parent is preferable to the love of none or an institutional caretaker. As a side note, just because you’ve adopted as a single woman certainly doesn’t mean you’ll be single forever! Once the pressure is off and you’ve decided to live your life for you and your child, you’ll be surprised what type of man might wander in to become part of it.

Candidates for adoption

In closing, I’ll say a word about who might be an appropriate candidate for adoption. If you are considering going this route as an alternative to forgoing a family altogether or settling for an ill-suited mate, you need to do some serious soul searching before coming to a conclusion. Characteristics of an appropriate adoptive single parent include: responsible, independent, financially capable, mature, possessing a strong support system of friends and family, and most of all, a desire and readiness to be selfless.

So while I’m not saying adoption is for everyone, my goal is to at least put it out there as a viable option for women who are struggling with the conflict of wanting children but who have yet to find a suitable partnership that fits from a personal and spiritual perspective. In this case, adoption may very well be the solution for bringing you the blessing of a family, while giving an underprivileged child the greatest blessing of all.

– Nicholle Williams

• He’ll respect my confidence in calling to make the first move.
• Men are flattered and become more interested when women call to ask them out.
• He’s just waiting for me to call him.
• He’s not calling to ask me out because he’s shy, intimidated, busy with work, busy with family, embarrassed, Christian…(fill in the blank with specific lie).
• If I want something, I need to be woman enough to go after it.
• What’s the harm in calling him?
• We had a great date…he must have gotten busy, so I’ll save him the trouble.
• I don’t want him to forget about me.
• If he likes me, he likes me…calling won’t change that.
• Once he hears my voice, he’ll wonder why he didn’t call sooner.

And my personal favorite (yup, I’ve actually used this on myself in a low moment I’d rather not remember): He must have lost my number.

There are two main situations in which we find ourselves tempted to try to move things along by calling a man: The first is when we are interested in a man, but he has yet to call and ask us out. Maybe we’ve chatted at church or simply scoped him out at school or work—and we may even feel confident that the chemistry is mutual—but the point is that he hasn’t tried to move things to the next level…by asking us out.

On the other hand, maybe we’ve gone out once or twice but haven’t heard from him since (or at least not regularly), so we’re considering calling him to get the ball rolling more steadily. Both of these situations bring up the question of calling…and both lead us to lie to ourselves, rationalizing why we should make the move and call the man.

Telephoning truths

So why isn’t it smart for a woman to do the phoning to secure a first date or speed things up after one or two outings? In order to answer this question, let’s look at what I’ll call the Truths of Telephoning:

There’s something about phoning…
I’ve mentioned in other articles that I feel it’s fine for a woman to let a man know she’s interested, or even go so far as to invite him to spend time together, if she does it in the right way: fun, flirty, and without following up (for more details, see “Making the First Move: Women CAN Avoid a Missed Opportunity and Still Let Men Lead the Way,” September 2008). Because of this, one might wonder: Why, then, am I so against calling? What makes dialing him up so different?

Well, it’s a bit complicated to explain, but suffice to say that calling, in the minds of men especially, is equated with chasing. When you flirt with a man or even casually suggest seeing a movie, it is more of a “putting it out there.” When you actually pick up the phone, it becomes “pursuing”…and as I’ve mentioned time and time again, men like to feel like the man. When you become the pursuer, that means he’s become the prey; and this is a passive position that, quite frankly, is both intimidating and emasculating. The roles are reversed, and this makes him feel weak to your strong. Not a feeling that is going to fuel his attraction for you.

Deep down it’s all about desperation
Okay, so this sounds harsh. Unfortunately it’s also true. When we get to the bottom of the behavior of calling a man, it always boils down to that darn d-word…desperation. Let’s be honest; while we might try to put on like we’re calling because we are just so confident that, well, it just comes naturally, the real reason always stems from a sense of desperation: We are stressing and scared that he’s not into us, so in a desperate attempt to either a. Find out the truth b. Force him into communicating with us or c. Force the relationship to get started or move forward, we are going to take matters into our own hands and chase him down…uh, I mean call him up. If you think men can’t smell this desperation, think again. And once he thinks you’re desperate, you can kiss goodbye his respect.

You know when you’re making another’s move
No matter how many seemingly reasonable rationalizations we make, if we eliminate our fear of not finding a man, we realize the following: Men and women inherently know whose move it is to make. Men know they are supposed to call to get things started. And we know we’re supposed to let them. If he’s not making the move, your making it for him will only, again, make you appear desperate and consequently cause a loss of respect.

Don’t steal his love of the game
Men love sports. They love competition, and they especially love to win. And just because a man is a Christian doesn’t mean he’s somehow immune to this internal male wiring. Sure, his beliefs may cause him to feel guilty about “using” women, lying to them, cheating on them, or treating them with disrespect, but the fact that he loves a chase—and only then the consequent catch—isn’t going to change because he’s a Believer.

Just like football, basketball, or soccer, they don’t call it “the dating game” for nothing. The thing about calling (i.e. chasing) is that when you do it, he feels he’s won before he’s even experienced the thrill of play…and the appreciation of a hard-earned prize. Remember, flirting and expressing interest are putting it out there—in essence, your way of saying with a smile, “Let the games begin!” But when you actually pick up the phone and pursue, you might as well wave your white flag…because you’re sounding the final buzzer before he’s had a chance to suit up. Don’t believe me? Ask any man how much fun he finds a forfeit.

Refuting the rationalizations

So what about the lies listed above? Some of them really do seem like reasons why it might be beneficial, or at least not negative, for women to pick up the phone. However, when we look at the reality behind some of these specific stories, we realize that we are really just looking for a reason to force what’s not meant to be…and lose respect (for ourselves and from him) in the process:

Rationalization: He’ll respect my confidence in calling to make the first move.
Reality: Nope. As explained above, people can see through this charade…everyone—and this means men—can read this as what it is: panic and desperation.

Rationalization: Men are flattered and become more interested when women call to ask them out.
Reality: Well, the first part of this may be true; he might be flattered. It may even cause him to think he’s got it going on. Unfortunately, he’ll use this newfound confidence to ask out someone who presents some sort of a challenge.

Rationalization: He’s just waiting for me to call him.
Reality: Again, men aren’t dumb; they know they’re supposed to call (and they know they must if they are interested). If he doesn’t, it’s because he’s not.

Rationalization: He’s not calling to ask me out because he’s shy, intimidated, busy with work, busy with family, embarrassed, Christian…(fill in the blank with specific lie).
Reality: This is similar to the above: Sure, he may be shy, busy, or out of town. But, again, when a man wants a woman, he goes after her…he finds the guts, time, or working telephone to do it.

Rationalization: If I want something, I need to be woman enough to go after it.
Reality: This one is not so straightforward, because I do feel that we need to go after what we want in life. However, we also need to know when it’s unattainable. That’s why I tell women to flirt, make conversation, and even ask about his plans for the weekend. But if he doesn’t take it from there, it’s not because he didn’t get the hint.

Rationalization: What’s the harm in calling him?
Reality: If this isn’t yet clear, start at the beginning and reread this entire article.

Rationalization: We had a great date…he must have gotten busy, so I’ll save him the trouble.
Reality: Save him the trouble? As if you don’t deserve five minutes of a man’s time (and much, much more). If calling you is too much effort, he’s not that interested…or he’s the laziest person on the planet. Either way, you don’t want him.

Rationalization: I don’t want him to forget about me.
Reality: Let’s think in terms of shopping. If you go into a store and find a handbag that blows you away, a handbag that is completely unlike any other you’ve found before, a handbag that will seemingly put the finishing touch on absolutely every item in your wardrobe, do you just forget about it? Exactly.

Rationalization: If he likes me, he likes me…calling won’t change that.
Reality: Actually, it can. First of all, if he likes you, he’ll call; so have patience. If you call him, it makes him wonder why you are so eager…and contemplate if maybe you weren’t as wonderful as he initially thought.

Rationalization: Once he hears my voice, he’ll wonder why he didn’t call sooner.
Reality: Okay, so what we’re thinking here is that he just doesn’t yet realize how special you are. Looking overly eager, a bit too aggressive, and somewhat desperate is not going to turn the tables in your favor.

Take control, without calling

So right about now you might be wondering if you can possibly retain some sense of control and feel like you are going after what you want…without actually calling or acting aggressive? Thankfully, the answer is yes! As the previously mentioned article explains, there are ways you can show your interest, get a more definitive answer as to whether he’s interested, and even non-aggressively ask him out…just remember, none of these tactics includes calling! And if you do try these tricks for making your interest known, and he still doesn’t pick up his phone, you’ve got to admit it: There’s simply no chance for romance. Luckily, you’ve still got your pride as well as his respect…now move on to a man who will actually appreciate all you have to offer. Because we are all much too special to have to talk someone into realizing it!

– Nicholle Williams

To this end, forethought and preparation are important for a few reasons: Forming a plan increases your sense of security and therefore makes it more likely you won’t be talked into staying. Considering all the factors ahead of time ensures there are no surprises later that might cause you to regret your decision. Being certain of your decision makes it unlikely you’ll confuse or further hurt your partner with insincere announcements; as a Christian man or woman, this is an important piece of the puzzle.

Setting up to separate: Steps and considerations

While the most significant issues will differ somewhat for each person, there are certain elements that apply, to varying degrees, to almost anyone ending a marriage or serious, cohabitating relationship. The following is a list of steps to take or components to consider prior to breaking the breakup news:

Plan your talk and avoid out-of-nowhere announcements Okay, so this one really should take place before you’ve finalized your decision, but I mention it here as it plays into breaking the news. To this end, I will say that it is much preferable if you have voiced your unhappiness in the past and given your partner an opportunity to change or to work together on your relationship. This eliminates them trying to talk you out of it because, “You haven’t even given us a shot” or, “We can work it out if we try.” Instead, the one being left feels all other options have been exhausted…and they are more likely to agree to a mutual and amicable separation.

From a compassion point of view, it is important your partner doesn’t feel blindsided. I know both men and women who have gone along for years in a relationship they thought was perfectly stable and secure. Since their partner suffered in silence with his or her feelings of dissatisfaction, the one being left was never really aware their partner was at the breaking point. When confronted with the split, they were shocked; they felt they were never given an opportunity to try. Furthermore, they felt an enormous sense of betrayal…that their partner had been keeping his or her unhappiness secret for so long. This type of scar can take years to heal and cause people to approach future relationships with feelings of distrust and fears of abrupt abandonment.

So if you have been keeping your discontent to yourself, try first voicing the seriousness of the situation: “I haven’t been happy…if something doesn’t change with regards to X problem, I’m thinking of leaving.” If, however, you’ve been down that road and back, choose a time, place, and make a plan for how you will announce your decision. In other words, be sure you are serious before breaking the news. Leaving your mate should never be used as a threat; this is mean and manipulative…and they just might call your bluff.

When the decision is made: Practice a cooling-off period

Divorces don’t become final immediately because the courts feel couples need a cooling-off period between the time they file and the time they are officially free of one another forever. I recommend you do the same before announcing your intention to split.

Specifically, I advise you sit with your decision to depart for a week. And by this I don’t mean contemplate it for a week (that should be a more prolonged process); I mean once you’ve made your decision to depart, sit with that reality before making the official move and telling your mate. This will almost ensure that you don’t make a spur-of-the-moment decision out of anger or frustration. Remember, once it’s out there, you can’t take it back. So consider cautiously.

Figure out finances

If you’ve been supported or sharing expenses with your partner, thinking about future finances is important, because you are much more likely to stick to your decision if you have a plan in place for how you’ll make ends meet. This would include evaluating your employment options (if you’ve not been working) and giving thought to which monies/accounts are separate and which have been shared.

If you’re married or cohabitating long-term with shared assets, it would also include giving thought to a division of property, etc. that would work for both people. This might sound materialistic, but you are going to need to consider these things if you are serious about splitting and surviving on your own. And while you shouldn’t be greedy in your requests, also remember (women especially), if you have been a stay-at-home mom, you have been contributing to the financial stability of the family by providing a home and raising kids; you have also likely put your career on the back burner. Again, I’m not talking about an attitude of “take him for all he’s worth”; I’m just making sure you don’t devalue your contributions either.

Think about housing options Obviously one person will need to find another place to live; in fact, in today’s economy, it’s unlikely that either person can afford the shared space alone. While of course you can’t make final decisions without the input of your partner, you want to do some preliminary research on your own. Mostly, this means giving some thought to what type of housing you might be able to afford and in what area or school district.

Also, remember you may need to make sacrifices and downsize initially. But this is a small price to pay for inner peace. And it’s not forever: Once a settlement is reached, mutual assets are sold or divided, or you get back into the swing of working or starting an at-home business, things will improve. Again, once you know that staying together is not your only option, it’s much easier to do what will bring you true bliss.

Consider the kids

This is a big stumbling block and the reason many marriages or relationships stay together. That being said, the ideal situation would be working on your problems and recreating a relationship that brings happiness to both of you and is healthy for your kids.

But as we know, this is not always possible. I strongly believe—and some may disagree—that two single parents who are satisfied with their lives is much better than two married parents who are miserable. Not to mention that children are very keyed in to discord in their environment. So consider the message you are sending minors should you remain part of a dysfunctional duo.

While the intricacies of handling children during a split are beyond the scope of this article, suffice to say that if kids are involved, you need to give some serious consideration to how custody might be arranged. In doing so, it’s crucial that you do your best to keep your kids’ interests—not your own anger—at the forefront. Even though you may currently consider your soon-to-be-ex an awful person and entertain visions of hurting him or her by separating them from their kids…DO NOT make this fantasy a reality! Women especially, remember your kids need a father, and unless he is truly an unfit parent, seeking joint custody or lenient visitation is vital. Kids who are kept from their fathers out of a mother’s spite often grow up feeling, mistakenly, like they were unwanted by their displaced dads.

As far as telling the children about the split, this should wait until you and your partner have come to an agreement about how to explain things…together. Furthermore, let loved ones know your intentions only once you’ve told your mate, and he or she has had time to let the separation sink in.

The final word

I want to stress again that the point of mentally preparing is to make sure a separation is what you truly want, that you are going in with a full understanding of the ramifications, and that you have the security of knowing you have a plan for making things work without your mate. While all this is important for your wellbeing, I should note that your precise plans should not be divulged detail by detail to your partner, as this might make him or her feel like you’ve planned it out behind their back and are already one foot out the door.

Finally, remember, since you’ve had time to mull over all aspects of the separation, your partner is going to need that time too. Make yourself available to answer their questions…but also give them space to process their feelings about the separation by themselves or alone with their friends and family. A sense of calm understanding will not come immediately; but if you handle the split with compassion and integrity, it will come eventually.

Note regarding relationships where there is actual or threatened physical abuse: This article is not written specifically for abusive or threatening relationships. If your decision to leave causes you any concern for your safety, or the safety of children, I highly recommend consulting with a women’s organization or shelter first to devise a specific plan for a safe exit.

– Nicholle Williams

And while if you read “Single and Sad? Stop Suffering and Start Enjoying the Benefits of Being on Your Own,” June 2008, you know that I’m firmly in favor of enjoying your single years to the fullest instead of spending all your time waiting and wondering when you’ll find true love. However, in saying that, I don’t mean that you should just sit around expecting a partner to be delivered to your doorstep. While this does happen for some—and we all know that God can work wonders—in the search for a soul mate, too many people are willing to accept the lowest possible odds and settle for the least amount of exposure, even to highly compatible fellow Christians.

What I’m saying is that often we Christians believe that it’s either have faith in God’s work and simply wait for your mate to materialize or get out there and be proactive, putting yourself in situations where you are more likely to meet someone special. In fact, there is even the erroneous belief that if you do engage in activities that will increase your chances of finding love—i.e. singles sites, blind dates, etc.—that you are somehow denouncing your faith and belief in God’s plan to bring you your perfect partner.

The truth of the matter, however, is that having faith and taking action are absolutely compatible. Stated simply, you are having faith that your mate is out there and faith that God will guide your actions in finding them.

What’s behind this belief?

My goal in writing this post is to not only refute the belief that setting yourself up to meet someone is somehow sinful, but to examine what I feel is at least part of the reason behind it.

I think that if we are honest with ourselves, at least a portion of our reason for clinging to this conclusion is that we are—for lack of a better word—lazy, and more importantly, we are scared. Blaming our faith is an easy excuse. On one hand, we don’t want to devote the time and energy into putting ourselves in a position where we might connect with a potential partner; after all, it’s easier to keep doing what we’ve been doing—that which, incidentally, hasn’t been working. And more significantly, we are fearful: “What if I do make an effort to meet someone, and I am still unsuccessful. Will I then have to abandon hope altogether??” It is easier and less scary to simply say, “I’m waiting on God,” than it is to get out there and risk for romance.

WWJW

We’ve all heard the saying “What Would Jesus Do?” But what about “What Would Jesus Want?” Let’s be real, even the Bible is in favor of a lifelong union between a man and a woman. The Lord wants your happiness, and I certainly don’t think that putting yourself in a position to meet likeminded Believers could be considered a bad thing.

That being said, as far as my usual disclaimer—once again, I am in no way, shape, or form a religious expert. I am, however, an expert in analyzing people. And I know an excuse when I hear one. Furthermore, I am not saying that putting yourself out there to find love should ever include something degrading, self-deprecating, promiscuous, desperate, or anything that doesn’t feel right in your gut. Instead, I’m simply advising that maybe some of us are being a bit too literal in our belief that God will deliver our mate…and all we need to do is hang out in front of our televisions and wait for that knock at the door!

What can we do?

There are many moves that we can make to increase our chances of finding love…and of course, all of them will not be right for everyone. What I am suggesting is that you pick and choose a few that feel right for you, and give them a go.

Faith-based dating sites
With over 30,000 active members on FaithMate.com, it’s pretty obvious that online dating has entered the mainstream, and fellow Christians realize that there is nothing sinful about singles sites. As I said before, taking steps to meet someone of similar faith to grow together in God is not something to be ashamed of.

Traditional matchmaking
For a complete discussion of the benefits of being set up by those who know you best, see “Match and Be Matched Part I: Making the Most of the Good, Old-Fashioned Setup,” April 2008. Once again, what stops many is fear; but it’s important to keep in mind the small risk compared to the potentially significant reward. And once you know how to handle the introduction, the meeting, and the aftermath, blind dates and setups can be a great way to meet that special guy or gal.

Attendance at events or outings
Putting yourself in proximity to those with similar interests is one of the best ways to meet likeminded mates. Whether the activity is social, spiritual, athletic, or educational, camaraderie and a common goal enable you to open up and have a no-pressure exchange, a perfect excuse to get to know a potential partner in a public setting. Examples include:
• Church, religious groups, and Bible study
• Charity and community organizations
• Parties and dinners hosted by friends or family members
• Weddings and other events that bring together friends of friends
• Clubs (i.e. book, chess, art, or music)
• Classes (i.e. foreign language, cooking, computer, etc.)
• Intramural sports teams
• Gyms and exercise classes (i.e. spinning or yoga)
• University, community college, or graduate-level classes

In conclusion, while keeping your faith is always paramount, as someone who’s single, you need to make sure you’re not using it as an excuse to avoid taking a proactive role in finding romance. If you find you are simply waiting for the Lord to bring you love, you might consider taking certain steps to help you meet your intended. After all, for Believers, the best chance of meeting a mate—while keeping a clear conscious—involves deepening your faith, but also increasing your chances with action…as always, letting God guide your steps, in this case, straight to your soul mate.

– Nicholle Williams

The above was a recent comment from a Faithmate visitor; unfortunately, she’s not alone.  This is a widespread belief that’s hindering Christian singles in their search for love.

What’s behind the belief?

Generally, this idea stems from one of two mindsets: Either people feel they could only possibly meet someone of similar values at church or that it is somehow sinful to go “carousing” other avenues in search of their soul mate.  They feel like looking for a partner takes on some sort of sleazy or impure connotation if done anywhere other than the most sacred of settings.  So they figure they’ll play it safe…by sticking to potential partners found no more than 25 feet from the pulpit.

Changing the belief

One of the best ways to refute a baseless belief is by logical examination.  Of course, in religion, faith trumps logic.  But in this case, when we really consider the concern that it’s sinful to look for love outside the church, we see how silly it sounds.  I mean would God really not bless meeting your beloved in the frozen foods section of your local market?  Does joining a Christian dating site in search of likeminded love mean you’re of loose morals?  Of course not.  And when put in these terms, we can see the absurdity of the idea.

On the other hand, the worry that you won’t meet someone of shared values outside the church is a bit more founded.  When you date within your congregation, you have one big hurdle behind you: You know they are a Believer.  And while this does bring peace of mind and make the selection process simpler, we have to face facts…there’s not always enough singles to choose from.

Increase your chances: Expand your exposure

So what do you do?  You broaden your horizons…while staying true to your heart.  Because Believers—and those who may not share your exact beliefs, but who are respectful and interested in learning—can be found anywhere.  And the men and women you see on Sunday have entire lives outside of the service.  This means spiritual singles (including those who’ve have been a little lax on attendance) work, shop, go to events and parties, and surf online.  So stop limiting yourself; try meeting them there.

Six other places to find the love of your life

If he hasn’t turned up in the pew across the aisle or the closest singles ministry, consider these (perfectly acceptable) alternatives for meeting Mr. or Ms. Right:

Dating websites

Do you consider your Tivo a transgression?  Is your iPhone an offense?  Dating sites are simply this century’s method for meeting a mate.  While it’s tempting to think of them as something less than spiritual, you need to see them for what they are…simply a new technology that’s helping all types of people come together.  Pick a Christian dating site like Faithmate, and you’ve done one better in finding someone who shares your beliefs and values.

The good, old-fashioned setup

Although dating sites have now become the standard, there’s something to be said for the traditional setup.  The trick is taking matters into your own hands.  Friends and family get involved in their own lives and aren’t always attuned to finding you lasting love.  What you need to do is ask: “Know anyone who might be a good match for me?”  Once they’re keeping their eyes open, I’ll bet someone crosses their path.

Social get-togethers

My friends who date a lot consider every social invitation a possibility to meet their future partner.  And while I’m not saying you need to become a social butterfly if you’re more of a hang-at-home type, I am advising you consider the crowd before turning down that coworker’s wedding, friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party, or celebration barbeque.  If it seems like a place to gain exposure to new people, it will probably be a worthwhile adventure.  (Remember—even if you don’t meet The One, expanding your social circle only means more chances to eventually come across your intended.)

Out and about

The coffee shop, bookstore, shopping mall, supermarket, dog or kiddie park, health club…dry cleaner, shoe repair, cell phone store (you get the point) can all be sites for love to strike.  And this doesn’t mean being completely preoccupied with meeting someone.  Quite the contrary.  Because should you bump into someone special, believe me, you’ll know.  The key is seizing the opportunity by striking up small talk.

Work (with a couple caveats)

Unless your company has a policy against it, don’t discount work as a place to make a love connection.  That being said, there are some risks and a couple of caveats, like making sure the person is a colleague, neither below nor above you in rank.  (See next week’s posting for specific dos and don’ts of office romance).

Because of this inherent risk, an ever better pool of potentials includes people you meet through work or whom you deal with professionally, but who are not within your actual organization.  Regular customers, vendors, or even those in a different department are people on whom you can get a good read before going out romantically.

Organized groups

If you go online, you can Google almost any interest, along with your city or zip code, and find a group of people who get together.  Single parenting, weight loss, book/movie discussions, charities, political action groups, or those advancing a certain cause will all be filled with singles sharing common interests.  You might also consider joining an athletic team or taking a class (a foreign language or subject that enhances you professionally serves double duty).

The final word

Churchism can be a reason some Christians are not meeting a mate.  While it would be wonderful if we had to look no further than our own congregation, this is often not the reality.  Especially for women—as some churches come close to a 90/10 female-to-male ratio—looking for love in other not-so-wrong places can be the kick your love life needs to get on course.  Still think it’s a sacrilege?  Try telling that to the couple I know who just got engaged…they met (gasp!) in the grocery store…and from the smiles on their faces, neither feels the slightest bit guilty.

– Nicholle Williams

But right beneath these must-haves lies a similarity that is often overlooked…but that ends up causing endless arguments for many couples.  This is what I call the “social versus stay-at-home scale.”  At one end, you’ve got what I term the “happy homebodies.”  These are the people who are most content renting a DVD, cuddling up with a good book, or making a meal at home with their significant other.  When they do head out of the house, they prefer an early, quiet meal for two, followed by a swift return to their sanctuary…home.

At the other end of the spectrum, you have the “always actives.”  These are the people who dislike hibernating at home, as they feel the world is passing them by.  While they love spending time with their significant others equally as much, they’d prefer to experience things together…and probably in the company of others as well; they like parties, church events, and all sorts of social outings.  And while certain stages of life—for example, the years when they have small children at home—may affect their ability to go out temporarily, as soon as it’s feasible, they’re looking to quickly resume their social schedules, even if they now consist of more kid-friendly choices.

Psychologically speaking: Relation to the introvert and extrovert personality types

Not to start psycho babbling on you here, but I feel it’s worth mentioning the connection (and differences) between a theory many of us have heard of: Jung’s theory of Psychological (or personality) Types.

To give a bit of back-story, Carl Jung was the famous Swiss psychiatrist who conceptualized what we know today as the theory of personality types.  In this, he identifies four sets of personality traits, of which the most notable is that of the introvert and extrovert.  According to the Jungian-based website www.socionics.com, extroverts and introverts are described as follows:

Extroverts are directed towards the objective world whereas Introverts are directed towards the subjective world.  The most common differences between Extroverts and Introverts are shown below:

Extroverts

•    are interested in what is happening around them
•    are open and often talkative
•    compare their own opinions with the opinions of others
•    like action and initiative
•    easily make new friends or adapt to a new group
•    say what they think
•    are interested in new people
•    easily break unwanted relations

Introverts

•    are interested in their own thoughts and feelings
•    need to have own territory
•    often appear reserved, quiet and thoughtful
•    usually do not have many friends
•    have difficulties in making new contacts
•    like concentration and quiet
•    do not like unexpected visits and therefore do not make them
•    work well alone

These types are interesting because they give us a way to understand one of the key differences between people.  However, they are not exactly the same as what I describe in the social versus stay-at-home scale.  In essence, there are two main differences between the two.

First of all, while the introvert/extrovert labels do refer to preferences a bit, they are primarily personality traits; they are a part of someone’s personality.  Conversely, the social versus stay-at-home scale exclusively refers to a partner’s preference as to how they like to spend their free time.

The second difference, however, is the important one: On the introvert/extrovert scale, not only do opposites often pair up perfectly well, but as the saying goes, they actually attract.  In other words, for single, Christian men and women, selecting someone of the opposite type may actually be a benefit, as an outgoing person often compliments a quieter one.

However, when it comes to happy homebodies and always actives, an opposite pairing is not only not preferable, it often leads to discontent and disagreements.

Why opposites don’t attract when it comes to the social versus stay-at-home preference

When it comes to choosing a mismatched mate, it’s generally not that we don’t understand why this dissimilarity doesn’t work.  I mean it’s pretty obvious.  Imagine you have met a wonderful man or woman, and you are getting to that serious stage where you spend most of your free time together.  Considering that most of everyone’s time is filled up with work and family obligations, when we finally do get to enjoy some leisure time, we want it to be, well, leisurely.  In other words, we want to spend it doing something we like.  Or at least something that doesn’t make us miserable.

Enter the social versus stay-at-home dilemma.  If you and your chosen mate differ tremendously on whether to hang at home or go out socially, it’s going to be an ongoing argument, with one person usually bored or the other feeling pushed to partake in activities that force them to either spend energy they don’t have or make conversation that makes them uncomfortable.  Because as much as you love your mate, you can’t really help how you feel about going out versus staying in.

In fact, I feel this is different even from mismatched interests.  As I always say, out-of-sync pastimes can be overcome.  Like let’s say your mate is a typical male who would rather spend a Saturday afternoon at a ballgame than shopping for shoes, while you don’t mind fighting the crowds at a super-sale.  So you take turns—one weekend football, the other fall fashions.  The point being that even when it’s not your turn to choose, you have still chosen to do something, as opposed to puttering around the house or planting peonies in the garden.

Furthermore, you are choosing to spend money on entertainment.  Because, especially in today’s tough times, the social versus stay-at-home situation also affects to what degree you spend money.  When one person doesn’t even want to go out, it’s really tough to justify the extra expense when resources are scarce.  This leads to an extra layer of discord.

Ignoring the issue

As I mentioned, it’s not that we don’t see the strain coming.  We know pretty early on where a potential partner falls on the social versus stay-at-home scale.  The problem is that in our quest to find a compatible Christian, we often choose to ignore the writing on the wall.  We find someone whom we enjoy being around, so we think we won’t mind spending our time in ways that go against our personal preferences.  However, like people who pretend to be someone they are not in order to snag a significant other, we can’t keep up the charade forever.  Once the excitement of a new relationship returns to normalcy, we start to feel dissatisfied doing that which we don’t like (either staying in when we love to socialize or pushing ourselves into a social schedule when we’re craving time together at home).

The final word

The moral of the story is that, while it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker—and it’s certainly not on par with basic beliefs and values—the tendency towards being a happy homebody or always active is something we should seriously consider when meeting a man or woman.  Because if you do decide to proceed with someone of the opposite social tendency, keep in mind, it’s going to require constant compromise.

– Nicholle Williams

Because of the busy-ness of the present world, many people find online dating to be an excellent avenue for meeting new people and checking them out for a possible romantic relationship. But since online dating is still a relatively new thing for a number of people, here is a quick guide on online dating etiquette.

Honesty is Still The Best Policy

If you don’t want people to lie to you, then be honest. Do not exaggerate and do not pretend to be someone you’re really not. Don’t post fake photographs, and don’t say or post anything misleading. If you do any or all of these things you may attract certain kinds of people, but in the end you’re not going to find a compatible match because you’ve misrepresented yourself; as such, the person on the other end won’t really be interested in you, but rather as the person you’re posing or presenting yourself to be. If things get serious and your lies are discovered, you will end up with a broken heart and loads of regret.

Keep the Expectations Low

Once you’re online you really have no clear ideas about the people with whom you chat. Do not build images of the personalities which interest you. Sometimes when you’re caught up in what you see or read, you will imagine only ideal images; once the reality hits you and you see their picture or read the rest of their profile, you’ll likely feel disappointed because it doesn’t mesh with the mental image you built. It may be a child in the past, different religions (as internet dating for Christian singles is just as common as for non-Christians), or different political paradigms. Keep a very open mind so you can isolate yourself from disappointment.

Keep the Dates Fun

Once you realize that you hit it off with someone, start having online dates. These can be something as simple and fun as playing online games which you both enjoy or participating in a forum with a common interest. With these “dates” you will continue building rapport. Now is the time to nurture your similarities. For example, internet dating for Christian singles may include a sharing of Bible passages or sharing elevated opinions about the teaching of the Christian faith. What is important is that both of you have fun so you know how to interact when you finally meet in person.

Remember that the end goal of online dating is real, physical dating in person, and everything you do must lead there LEGITIMATELY and in good faith.